The Problem with Nintendo: A Rant

Commence rant.

Ah, Nintendo. Once the greatest video game producer in the world, father of such classic franchises as Super Mario Bros., The Legend of Zelda, and Metroid, to name a few. What has become of you? Have you turned your back on those devoted fans who so lovingly and blindly followed you to the brink of destruction and back? Is this how you treat your most loyal and caring followers? Why, Nintendo? Why?

The big N.

I hate to be a drama queen, but Nintendo's E3 briefing really opened my eyes to the company's stark disregard for the once cherished hardcore gamer. No longer does the company produce video games, but rather cost efficient, plot-less, challenge-less, unintelligent, mini game-fueled drivel. Instead of devoting E3 to the hardcore audience--the ONLY audience paying attention to E3 in the first place--Nintendo has once again catered its presentation to the "casual" crowd. Yes, Nintendo, I understand you want to make money. I understand you want to be popular. These ambitions, however, should never take precedent over the production of quality entertainment.

Even back in the days of the GameCube, when everyone thought Nintendo was on its final breath, the company rolled out a bevy of great titles--genuine NINTENDO games--not disc after disc of mindless mini game insanity. Back then, the hardcore fans were what kept Nintendo from drowning in the wake of the more popular PS2 and Xbox. Now, Nintendo stubbornly refuses to return the favor. It's like the loser friend you hung out with in high school because he was so pathetic, you knew he would always be there for you--until, via some ridiculous stroke of luck, he became popular and forgot you ever existed. What a douche.

Nintendo's 2008 E3 press conference was the biggest waste of time in my life (which is saying something). Clocking in at just over an hour, it was quite a bit shorter than Microsoft and Sony's briefings, yet somehow it still felt too long. This was probably due to the lack of any significant or remotely interesting information. In fact, the single most exciting revelation during the entire show was the acknowledgment that the studios responsible for the Mario and Zelda series were working...on something. Oh, thanks Nintendo, it's good to hear you aren't paying them to sit around and scratch their collective ass.

We're busy.

Not one hardcore game was announced. More than that, not one hardcore game was even showcased. The first fifteen minutes of the presentation were devoted to a middle aged women talking about the broken wrist she suffered on a trip to Whistler with her kids. Big whoop. Oh wait--it's a segue to Shaun White's new snowboarding game? Big whoop. What happened to the Regginator? Oh, here he is. Except, the Reggie we once new, the Reggie who kicked ass and took names, is dead. This Reggie is wholeheartedly focused on the casual, "non-gamer". But that's the problem, isn't it? They NON- gamers. Does it really make sense to devote the biggest video game event of the year to people who DON'T PLAY VIDEO GAMES? "Yes," says Ninty, "How else would we make bucket loads of moolah?" Well, you could start by satisfying the one demographic (yes, we are a demographic now) that actually cares about the games you produce.

I'm not saying Nintendo should have completely focused on the hardcore gamer. I realize we are a dwindling market in contrast to the millions of moms and grannies out there, just waiting to get their game on. Regardless, I'm sure a few minutes could have been spared to provide those frustrated core-gamers with a glimmer of hope; something to show us we haven't been forgotten. As it stands, the most intensive video game experience found at Nintendo's conference was Animal Crossing. That's right. Animal Crossing. Most epic game of E3 2008. You know something's wrong when...

Hardcore? Me thinks not.

As I sat in front of my computer, bored out of my skull, one thing kept me from falling into a deep, death-like slumber: the hope of that one, final surprise at the end of the show, the moment when Miyamoto walks out on stage, sword and shield in hand, announcing the one game we've all been waiting for. But that moment never came. There will be no Zelda. No Mario. No revitalized Kid Icarus. Not even a Pikmin or a Kirby.

No, the big surprise of E3 '08 was...wait for it...Wii Music. This pathetic excuse for a music game, which provides zero challenge, and zero room for creativity, is neither hard core, nor is it much of a surprise. In fact, it was all but announced back in E3 of 2006 (I think it was 2006) when Miyamoto conducted a digital orchestra with a Wii-mote conductor's baton, and it's hardly a music/rhythm game at all. Instead of following a beat or pressing the right button, you simply...do nothing. Essentially the game works like this: you want to play a sax? Press any button. Piano? Wave your magic wand in imitation of a pianist. Guitar? Same deal. No matter what you do, you can't screw up; the music is preset, and all you have to do is wave you hand. Duct tape a Wii-mote to his paw, and Fido could play this game.

'Moto jammin' on his fake sax.

The only announcement worthy of any real attention was that of the Motion Plus accessory, a little unit you can plug into the end of your Wii remote to enhance its motion sensing capabilities, allowing games to finally provide true 1:1 control. But isn't this something that really ought to have been included in the original Wii-mote design? Instead, it's now an add-on us loyal fans are expected to pay for out of our own pockets. On you, Nintendo, I call shenanigans. If your original design wasn't what it was supposed to be, shouldn't you be paying for the upgrade, not your customers?

Despite all this, I still try to have faith in my beloved Nintendo. In my heart, I believe they will pull through and deliver the great games they're known for, even if a pathetic E3 performance like this makes it hard to retain my enthusiasm. Please, Nintendo, don't forget about your fans, the geeks that always stood up for you, even when you decided to mass-produce purple lunch box machines.

End rant.

Right, so I delayed the Metal Gear Solid Retrospect for a little while, mostly because I got bored of writing it. So I'll save that for a rainy day. In the mean time I might write up a few more posts on E3, since it's current and seems to be receiving the majority of my attention right now. So look forward to that. Yeah. See y'all then.

-Funkin' out.