Lair of Funk

I know you are my Candyman

2009-07-01T10:06:00.001-07:00

Another year, and yes, another retarded video! Check out our latest and greatest lip sync RIGHT HERE (or better yet, in high quality on youtube!) Don't forget to comment and rate (5 stars, of course :P)

I'll have a real post coming in the next week or so, so stay tuned!

-Funkin' out

Dune

2009-06-13T15:37:00.000-07:00

Hey guys...I'm BACK! Ha. Okay, so it's been a while (what? Almost a year? Noooo...) since I've graced the interwebs with my stunning presence, and for that I truly am sorry. I hope you'll be able to find it within the infinite depths of your hearts to forgive my absence; really, I have no excuse. Well, I might a have a bit of an excuse: nobody seemed to CARE anymore. I mean, really, did you see the comment pages for my last couple of blog posts? Laughable.

Anyway, I hope restore interest in the once highly esteemed Lair of Funk with a few new awesome updates, the first of which being a review to the ultimate sci-fi epic: Dune. Seeing as how I wrote this for school, the tone might be a tad more drab (assonance, anyone?) than usual, but I wasn't about to go rewriting it just for the sake of the blog. So deal with it. Also, I hope to find the time within the next few weeks to give my own take on the recent events of E3 (I've done it for the past 2 years, how could I break the habit now?), so y'all can look forward to that. And I just might have a few other tricks up my sleeve. I dunno, you'll just have to wait and see.

Right then:

Dune - Science Fiction's Supreme Masterpiece

Science fiction has always been a genre of heated controversy. Many adore it—find themselves lost in its intricate alternate universes, in the sharp and imaginative subtleties that hint at a world which sidles along the edge of our own reality. Then there are those who are not quite so taken with the style. They scoff at its implausibility and wonder why anyone could be so engrossed in a subject that bears so little relevance in the real world. In this, Frank Herbert’s Dune can be considered much more than the average science fiction novel. While the book tells an inventive and surreal story holding true to the traditional conventions of its genre, it also conveys several deeper elements that cement it firmly in the realm of great literature.

Dune begins its tale in the dreamy paradise of the planet Caladan, where the protagonist, fifteen-year-old Paul Atreides lives a life of peaceful luxury with his father, the Duke Leto of House Atreides. The universe of Dune exists many thousands of years in the future, where the Great Houses of a somewhat archaic feudal system all owe loyalty to a single monarch, the Padishah Emperor. The harmony of the Atreides’ existence is soon shattered at the emperor’s request that the Atreides accept the fief of Dune, a harsh desert planet formally called Arrakis. The Duke finds the emperor’s persistence suspicious, as Arrakis has for generations been under the control of the Harkonnens, long-time enemies of House Atreides.

It is soon revealed that the Duke’s suspicions are not unfounded. The conniving Harkonnens have devised a plot to bring about the utter destruction of the Atreides, and quickly set it in motion with the help of a traitor. All of these events occur within the first volume of the novel, and essentially set up the foundations on which the protagonist, Paul, is able to establish himself as a messianic figure to the native people of Arrakis, the Fremen.

Dune is built around a complex framework of symbolism and meaning. It is not hard to find the ecological, political, and religious themes thinly veiled within Herbert’s intricate plot. For example, the Fremen’s all but vain attempt to turn their hell-world into a paradise is perhaps more relevant in today’s society, where we know all too well the influence of human activity on the environment, than it was when the book was written. Additionally, the devious schemes of the emperor and Harkonnens provide a grim take on the greed and corruption ever-present within the governments of our own world. And finally, the skewed vision of the Bene Gesserit, a religious group who have for generations crossed bloodlines to create a prophetic being (Paul) who they believe will cleanse the human gene pool through a terrible and bloody war, demonstrates Herbert’s chilling awareness of religious power to incite hate and violence.

Throughout the novel, Paul, who is soon known across the universe as the prophet “Muad’Dib,” struggles with the internal conflictions to which his newfound powers give rise. As friends become worshippers and the stories of Muad-Dib become legend, Paul realizes the terrible possibilities of his leadership. Each minor character in the story has his own part to play in the developing of Muad’Dib, and the other major characters are each given significant depth without distracting from the novel’s primary focus on Paul.

If anything negative can be said of the book, it would be on the abruptness of its conclusion. The final pages left me with a feeling of dissatisfaction, as if Herbert had deliberately refrained from the tying up of several loose ends. This may have been due to the fact that he planned on writing a sequel, and indeed, he ended up writing quite a few.

Apart from this minor blemish, Dune is exquisitely well-written, perfectly blending elements of traditional science fiction and fantasy into one epic masterpiece. Herbert’s ability to create a living, breathing world is remarkable, rivaled only by the likes of Tolkien himself. For this, and for countless other reasons, it is not hard to see why so many claim Dune to be among the greatest novels ever written.

-Funkin' out

ASLO, BROOK ISS AWESUM 4 SHOWWING MEE DOON!!!!!11!!1!1

Mamma Mia!

2008-07-29T23:38:00.000-07:00

You've waited a long time. Patiently, yet eagerly, you've anticipated the arrival of my newest masterpiece. Fortunately, you will wait no more. Before you now is the most recent installment in my ever-increasing collection of ridiculously embarrassing lip syncs parody videos; do not fret: this one should be the most ridiculous and embarrassing yet. Straight from the soundtrack of the new musical currently playing in theatres across the country, I present...Mamma Mia!

Leave a comment on the YouTube page ;)

The Problem with Nintendo: A Rant

2008-07-16T19:38:00.000-07:00

Commence rant.

Ah, Nintendo. Once the greatest video game producer in the world, father of such classic franchises as Super Mario Bros., The Legend of Zelda, and Metroid, to name a few. What has become of you? Have you turned your back on those devoted fans who so lovingly and blindly followed you to the brink of destruction and back? Is this how you treat your most loyal and caring followers? Why, Nintendo? Why?

The big N.

I hate to be a drama queen, but Nintendo's E3 briefing really opened my eyes to the company's stark disregard for the once cherished hardcore gamer. No longer does the company produce video games, but rather cost efficient, plot-less, challenge-less, unintelligent, mini game-fueled drivel. Instead of devoting E3 to the hardcore audience--the ONLY audience paying attention to E3 in the first place--Nintendo has once again catered its presentation to the "casual" crowd. Yes, Nintendo, I understand you want to make money. I understand you want to be popular. These ambitions, however, should never take precedent over the production of quality entertainment.

Even back in the days of the GameCube, when everyone thought Nintendo was on its final breath, the company rolled out a bevy of great titles--genuine NINTENDO games--not disc after disc of mindless mini game insanity. Back then, the hardcore fans were what kept Nintendo from drowning in the wake of the more popular PS2 and Xbox. Now, Nintendo stubbornly refuses to return the favor. It's like the loser friend you hung out with in high school because he was so pathetic, you knew he would always be there for you--until, via some ridiculous stroke of luck, he became popular and forgot you ever existed. What a douche.

Nintendo's 2008 E3 press conference was the biggest waste of time in my life (which is saying something). Clocking in at just over an hour, it was quite a bit shorter than Microsoft and Sony's briefings, yet somehow it still felt too long. This was probably due to the lack of any significant or remotely interesting information. In fact, the single most exciting revelation during the entire show was the acknowledgment that the studios responsible for the Mario and Zelda series were working...on something. Oh, thanks Nintendo, it's good to hear you aren't paying them to sit around and scratch their collective ass.

We're busy.

Not one hardcore game was announced. More than that, not one hardcore game was even showcased. The first fifteen minutes of the presentation were devoted to a middle aged women talking about the broken wrist she suffered on a trip to Whistler with her kids. Big whoop. Oh wait--it's a segue to Shaun White's new snowboarding game? Big whoop. What happened to the Regginator? Oh, here he is. Except, the Reggie we once new, the Reggie who kicked ass and took names, is dead. This Reggie is wholeheartedly focused on the casual, "non-gamer". But that's the problem, isn't it? They NON- gamers. Does it really make sense to devote the biggest video game event of the year to people who DON'T PLAY VIDEO GAMES? "Yes," says Ninty, "How else would we make bucket loads of moolah?" Well, you could start by satisfying the one demographic (yes, we are a demographic now) that actually cares about the games you produce.

I'm not saying Nintendo should have completely focused on the hardcore gamer. I realize we are a dwindling market in contrast to the millions of moms and grannies out there, just waiting to get their game on. Regardless, I'm sure a few minutes could have been spared to provide those frustrated core-gamers with a glimmer of hope; something to show us we haven't been forgotten. As it stands, the most intensive video game experience found at Nintendo's conference was Animal Crossing. That's right. Animal Crossing. Most epic game of E3 2008. You know something's wrong when...

Hardcore? Me thinks not.

As I sat in front of my computer, bored out of my skull, one thing kept me from falling into a deep, death-like slumber: the hope of that one, final surprise at the end of the show, the moment when Miyamoto walks out on stage, sword and shield in hand, announcing the one game we've all been waiting for. But that moment never came. There will be no Zelda. No Mario. No revitalized Kid Icarus. Not even a Pikmin or a Kirby.

No, the big surprise of E3 '08 was...wait for it...Wii Music. This pathetic excuse for a music game, which provides zero challenge, and zero room for creativity, is neither hard core, nor is it much of a surprise. In fact, it was all but announced back in E3 of 2006 (I think it was 2006) when Miyamoto conducted a digital orchestra with a Wii-mote conductor's baton, and it's hardly a music/rhythm game at all. Instead of following a beat or pressing the right button, you simply...do nothing. Essentially the game works like this: you want to play a sax? Press any button. Piano? Wave your magic wand in imitation of a pianist. Guitar? Same deal. No matter what you do, you can't screw up; the music is preset, and all you have to do is wave you hand. Duct tape a Wii-mote to his paw, and Fido could play this game.

'Moto jammin' on his fake sax.

The only announcement worthy of any real attention was that of the Motion Plus accessory, a little unit you can plug into the end of your Wii remote to enhance its motion sensing capabilities, allowing games to finally provide true 1:1 control. But isn't this something that really ought to have been included in the original Wii-mote design? Instead, it's now an add-on us loyal fans are expected to pay for out of our own pockets. On you, Nintendo, I call shenanigans. If your original design wasn't what it was supposed to be, shouldn't you be paying for the upgrade, not your customers?

Despite all this, I still try to have faith in my beloved Nintendo. In my heart, I believe they will pull through and deliver the great games they're known for, even if a pathetic E3 performance like this makes it hard to retain my enthusiasm. Please, Nintendo, don't forget about your fans, the geeks that always stood up for you, even when you decided to mass-produce purple lunch box machines.

End rant.

Right, so I delayed the Metal Gear Solid Retrospect for a little while, mostly because I got bored of writing it. So I'll save that for a rainy day. In the mean time I might write up a few more posts on E3, since it's current and seems to be receiving the majority of my attention right now. So look forward to that. Yeah. See y'all then.

-Funkin' out.

Metal Gear Solid: A Retrospect -- Part 1

2008-06-11T18:56:00.000-07:00

Metal Gear Solid is more than just a video game franchise.

It is the brainchild of genius developer Hideo Kojima, his vision of what a video game should be. Not a frantic shooter set thousands of light years from Earth on a massive ring, nor a happy-go-lucky tromp through the sewers of a mushroom infested kingdom, but a perfect combination of engrossing stealth action and striking cinematic prestige.

You may have noticed the new look for my blog. Meet Solid Snake. He will be the face of the Lair of Funk for the next while. Snake is the heart of Metal Gear Solid; the brave and daring hero any good story needs to truly capture its audience. Starting with this article, and continuing throughout the next few weeks, I'll provide some insight into the life of Snake and his incredible franchise, from inception to conclusion.

So without further ado, I present...

Metal Gear Solid: A Retrospect

It was 1986. While the rest of the world was infatuated with the latest Michael Jackson records, Rubik's Cubes, and tighter-than-socially-acceptable leg wear, an aspiring young Japanese video game designer found himself working in the MSX computer software division of Konami. His name was Hideo Kojima, and little did he know his own epic creation would revolutionize action gaming, garner millions of rabid fans, and inspire a legacy spanning two decades (and counting).

Kojima's first few titles weren't exactly successful. A strange penguin adventure, followed by the hideously titled "Lost Warld" [sic] were not what one would call successful. He wasn't well educated in game design, in fact, he had considered becoming a film maker instead. It was the achievements of esteemed developers like Shigeru Miyamoto that led him to the gaming industry, and he might have left Konami if not for that inspiration.

Luckily, film making was not in the cards for Kojima-san, and soon he had developed his breakaway hit: Metal Gear. Launching in 1987 on the MSX2, it followed the exploits of young FOXHOUND agent Solid Snake, and revolutionized action gaming as it was then known. At the time, gaming was all about action, guns, shooting, and pixelated explosions (...times have changed, haven't they?), with the odd tubby plumber or green clad warrior saving a princess or two. But the premise was the same: shoot first, ask questions later. Metal Gear offered something new.

Being sneaky was something developers had never thought of before. It was bold; it was fresh; it was a risk. But a risk that payed off. Instead of rushing into the field guns-blazing, players had the option (well, not so much option as requirement) to infiltrate the enemy's location in a more stealthy manner. Sure, you had a gun, but it was really a last resort; you'd never find enough ammunition to kill everyone anyway. So players quietly sneaked through the enemies' lair, called "Outer Heaven" in an attempt to rescue another FOXHOUND operative: Grey Fox.

Grey Fox was assigned to the independent state Outer Heaven to investigate rumours of WMD production, but hadn't been heard from since. It was up to Snake to infiltrate the enemy's HQ, rescue Grey Fox, and discover the truth about Outer Heaven. On the orders of Big Boss, the commanding officer of FOXHOUND, Snake crept his way past insurmountable odds and fought through innumerable battles, armed with only a sneaking suit and a pack of smokes, until he finally found his fellow operative. Grey Fox then revealed Outer Heaven's big secret: a mechanized, nuclear-equipped walking tank, codenamed Metal Gear. Snake raced to the core of the base, where the ultimate showdown between the young agent and the bipedal behemoth took place, ending in a stunning victory for our stealthy hero.

But the game wasn't over yet.

It turned out the leader and founder of Outer Heaven was none other than Solid Snake's own C.O.: Big Boss. In one final battle, Snake fought and defeated his mentor, escaping the installation before it self-destructed. Did this mean the end of "Big Boss"? In a final message, the corrupt commander vowed, "Solid Snake...Someday, I'll get even with you."

What did this final transmission mean? It was a mystery.

***

In honour of tomorrow's historical release of one of the most ridiculously hyped video games of all time--Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots-- I will continue this epic multi-part retrospect into the coming weeks, ultimately leading up to my final review of MGS4 (provided, of course, that I manage to actually obtain a Playstation 3 to play it with). Let the anticipation begin!

-Funkin' out

La quarantième entrée

2008-06-11T16:32:00.000-07:00

Yes, this is my 40th blog post. Why is the title in French, you ask? Because of the theme of this post, of course!

I recently made this video with my two (awesome) nieces as part of a school French project. It's nothing special, but I think its pretty amusing. Enjoy!

Oh, and I have another post coming up in the theme of my blog's new look (in case you hadn't noticed, it's Snake. SNAAAAKE!)

-Funkin' out

The Great Ketchup Caper: Part One

2008-05-16T15:41:00.000-07:00

Ketchup. I like it. It is quite tasty. The problem with ketchup, though, is that the consumption of it in mass quantities is generally frowned upon. I find this to be absurd: the fruity goodness of crushed tomatoes is both delicious and nutritious, something that cannot be said for many of Mother Nature’s oh-so-wholesome children. That’s right broccoli, I’m talking to you.

Getting back to the matter at hand (i.e. ketchup), I find the public’s generally prejudiced view of the sweet and salty commodity more than disturbing. One woman I spoke with went as far as to say: “[ketchup] is a vile and squalid substance; I would sooner bludgeon my children to death than serve them an ounce that putrid slime!” I told her in protest that should she simply taste a small portion on a tenderly baked potato crisp, her opinion of the toothsome delicacy would alter entirely. She was not convinced, rather, she attempted to stick me in the gut with a crudely improvised shank; but who was I to force my beliefs upon the mind of this learned individual?

As I left the correctional facility, I bumped into an old colleague of mine: Dr. Alfred Humphrey, a well-established and highly respected scholar of supplementary sauces and spices. I asked the man what he had to say on the matter and he gave me a detailed and comprehensive analysis of the subject, one I will not repeat here for fear of my readers lapsing into a deep cryogenic state. Instead I will condense his analysis into three short words: ketchup is food.

No, the doctor’s examination of my dilemma was not entirely conclusive, and so I was inclined to resume my quest elsewhere. My next stop was the Heinz factory, located in Alderney, Wisconsin*. I hopped on first flight down to the American Mid-West, where my search for a solution to the daunting ketchup quandary would continue.

Upon my arrival at the factory, I was greeted by a Greg Hibalder, an aspiring young Heinz lobbyist. Young Greg assured me that Heinz brand tomato catsup was indeed a tasty treat, and that I need not pursue the matter further. At first I was relieved: searching for the truth was becoming a tiresome endeavour indeed; one I would likely give up were it not so fascinating. But then I realized: if I could not solve this mystery, who would carry on my legacy? For how long would our children be deprived of the ketchup knowledge they so rightly deserved? I could not give up my quest; the cause for which I stood was too noble, too great.

And so I endured.

GTA IV

2008-04-29T19:30:00.000-07:00

The day has finally arrived. Today is April 29th, the release date of the greatest game EVER (well, not quite, but close): Grand Theft Auto IV. Yes, I own it. I'm taking a short break from its awesomeness to bring you this blog post, because--you know--I'm such an great guy. I've only played a couple hours so far, but as it stands, the game is pretty awesome. The voice acting is great, often hilarious, but definitely Hollywood quality. So far though, the best aspect of the game has been its physics engine. Once you've seen an obese policeman roll over the hood of a speeding Hummer, you'll know what I mean.

The only real problem I've encountered thus far has been getting used to driving. I was so used to the handling of the vehicles in San Andreas that the automobiles of Liberty City caught me off guard. They drift easily, but often farther than I would like, and don't seem to turn sharply enough otherwise. I'm sure it won't take too long to relearn the necessary skills, and luckily, it's still fun to drive even if I can't seem to avoid crashing through street lights, pedestrians and buildings. I can't wait to get farther in the game; blind-firing RPGs at random has become an obsession of mine, and if I don't get to try it out soon...well, video game violence will be the least of your worries.

Speaking of video game violence (brilliant segue way, eh?), I can't wait to see what bullshit the media churns out about this game. Certainly it can't be as controversial as San Andreas' "Hot Coffee", but you never know with politicians these days. God forbid Hillary Clinton catches a glimpse of the game. I don't even want to think about the chaos that would ensue.

It isn't my wish to spoil too much for those of you who will soon be playing the game yourself, but suffice it to say, GTA IV is seriously badass. Do yourself a favour and pick up this game up. Now.

QUEENS ON THURSDAY! W00T!!!1!1!!11!

*resumes GTA*

-Funkin' out

Check out Gamespot's video review of GTA IV if you'd like some more info. It's pretty good.

I Can't Believe it's not Bu-- I mean-- holy CRAP, it's April!

2008-04-16T20:12:00.000-07:00

Um...hehe. Sorry about the two month delay. I never meant for that to happen. Honestly. I have no excuse, other than the fact that I couldn't think of anything to blog about. I still can't. But what the hell, I'll just wing it. *cringes at the use of pathetic cliche*

So....what's up?

Just kidding!

Right. Well. Moving On...

I want to make another video. What kind of video, you ask? Well, I'm not entirely sure, so maybe you can help me. I made a little poll over on the side of the blog that you can check out, but I'll include a more in-depth analysis of my thought processes right here.

These are my ideas as of this moment:

- A brand new concept involving several petty criminals and a siren-topped helmet wearing cop on a moped. You guessed it: Schnelly's our leading man.

- A news channel broadcast, complete with an anchor, weatherman, sports highlights, and on-location updates.

- A new music video -- the victim: Vanilla Ice

- Another completely random video with a theme of some kind (in the vein of "Child Abuse", if anyone remembers that short-lived effort.

- A new episode of the Steven Summers Show, involving any number of ninjas, pirates, or robots.

Leave comments and tell me what you think. I'd like to shoot this baby as soon as possible.

I just finished watching Red Vs. Blue. It's kind of depressing to think that the adventures of Church, Tucker, Caboose, Tex, Grif, Simmons, Donut, and Sarge are actually over. The ending didn't really satisfy me, either; I think they could have gotten a few more seasons out of it, at the very least. But what the hell, they only said it was the end of the Blood Gulch Chronicles, right? So there could still be more, right? Right? It's such a funny show, though. I often find myself cracking up, even when watching episodes I've seen before. And have you seen the DVD boxed set? It looks fran-tastically badass. I want it.

Damnit, it's just not fair.

Until next time, I guess.

-Funkin' out

High Five - February

2008-02-15T17:45:00.000-08:00

Ok, so it's been quite a while since my last blog post. I suppose I'm sorry about that. But not really. Anyway, I've decided to do another "High Five" entry (Fab Five has been vetoed). After all, I haven't had the chance to talk about the awesomeness that is my life in quite some time.

#5 - The '90s

The decade in which I was born, the age of Nintendo, Grunge, VHS, pre-creepy Tom Cruise, and loads of other cool stuff (excluding boy bands, of course). Super Nintendo was a huge hit in the early '90s, (remember Super Mario World? Yoshi FTW!) and in '96, the Nintendo 64 was born. It seems like just yesterday I took a trip to Toys 'R' Us and saw Mario run and hop around in all three dimensions for the very first time. And who can forget them '90s tunes? Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Metallica, Sublime, Weezer, Sound Garden; the list goes on.

Omgz he's showin' his wii!

#4 - Seinfeld (which, coincidentally, is from the '90s)

I got the complete series of Seinfeld for Christmas, and I've practically been watching it non-stop. I'm on the 7th season already (out of nine). I did skip the first three seasons, but I'll come back to them.

This show is genius! If you've never really seen it, start watching it NOW. There's at least one absolutely hilarious moment in every episode, and so many great characters. Who could forget Kramer, Jerry, Elaine, and my personal favourite: George. He's so funny. Probably because so often he reminds me of people in my own life (hint: starts with shh, ends with nelly). At the very least, you have to check out these clips on YouTube: Kramer, George.

#3 - Writers' Strike over!

Finally! After several excruciating months of cruddy reality television and ridiculous new game shows (hooking people up to a polygraph? That's horrible!), the strike has drawn to a close. The WGA has struck a deal with the head honchos in Hollywood, and our beloved writers have returned to work. What does this mean for our favourite programs? I'll tell you.

Lost - the cut-down, eight-episode season is likely to grow, bringing us closer to the originally promised sixteen weeks of uninterrupted Lost.

24 - Jack Bauer needs a full day to save the world! Who do you think he is, Superman? He may be bad-ass, but he's not faster than a speeding bullet, so we're probably going to be waiting until 2009 before we see any more of him.

Heroes - Unfortunately, it'll be at least September before we see anymore action from Hiro and the gang. With any luck, by that time the writers will have thought of a story that doesn't crawl at the pace of a tranquilized walrus (ie, it doesn't move fast).

The Office - Sitcoms are lookin' good. If we're lucky we might even get a full season out of this baby. Dunder-Mifflin FTW!

#2 - Super Smash Bros. Brawl

What is there to say? This game is going to be AWESOME! I can't wait to kick some serious ass online (and off) once it releases in March. I plan to get it on day one and go nonstop for at least three or four weeks. We'll see how it goes from there.

But really, this game has everything. New characters, new stages, new moves, and more options than Matthew McConaughey at a high school sock hop.

More than anything though, Super Smash Bros. is just balls-out, pure, uninhibited fun. And frankly, if you can't see the hilarity of itty bitty Pikachu beating the shit out of Ganondorf with a paper fan, you are made of stone. C'mon, he's PIKA!

Ka me ha me HA!!!

#1 - GOT MAH "N"!!!!

I started this post about 2 weeks ago, so this is just a little late, but still, it's big news. I can finally drive! All by myself! Or with a friend (only one)! As you can now doubt imagine, this makes me happy. Very happy.

And I passed the test on my first try, too. Man, things just keep going my way. Hopefully karma doesn't decide I need to get off my ass and do something worthwhile. That would be a bummer.

Until next time--

-Funkin' out

p.s. - Here's a slightly belated Valentine for y'all.

Greatest Day of the Year

2008-01-13T20:59:00.000-08:00

Sixteen years and 364 days ago, I, the creator of this fine lair of funk, was born. Tomorrow I will enter the 18th year of my life (meaning I will be 17 years old) and all will worship that glorious day.

In the meantime, you can check out these pics of my kickass new guitar, which I got for my birthday (except that I payed for most of it).

Just like Angus Young.

Fo' real.

I had others, but I shot them sideways, and I'm too lazy to fix them. Also, I found this hilarious video of Dave Grohl of the Foo Fighters "trying" to play Stairway to Heaven. I lolled. Enjoy.

Later.

-Funkin' Out

Christm--er-- Non-denominational Holiday Wish List

2007-12-21T23:40:00.000-08:00

It's been two weeks since my last post, and since I can't think of anything interesting to write about, I thought I'd share my wish list with you guys. Now, obviously I won't get all of these things (most of the items on the list are very pricey), but it would be nice to get even one:

(the following items are in no particular order)

Gibson Les Paul

These are some of the best guitars available, period. Since the '50s, Les Pauls have been around, rocking socks off and blowing minds. I would be fortunate to be the owner of even one of the lowest end Les Pauls; they are just that awesome. And hey, who wouldn't want to shred on the same kind of axe as legends like Eric Clapton, Jimi Hendrix (yes, he mostly used Fender's, I know), Jimmy Page, Joe Walsh, and Les Paul himself (just to name a few)? The only problem is the price: these babies can run you from $500 to several thousand dollars.

mmm...humbucker.

iMac

Whine, whine, whine all you want. These computers are really handy. They come with just about everything you'll ever want in a computer right out of the box (except games, I know) and are just so darn easy to use. The main reason I want one is for its video editing capabilities. Using Microsoft Movie Maker (the crappy free software that comes with Windows) can definitely be frustrating at times; you try adding sound effects, music and voice overs with only one available audio channel. They're also fast, virus free, and as good as, if not better than PCs at most of your regular computer related activities. Oh, and I forgot too mention how damn fine they look.

You can almost hear Schnelly bitching across the interwebs.

Hard Drive Camcorder

Now here's another expensive item on the list. You can get any old video camera nowadays for upwards of $200, but the problem with these is that it's nearly IMPOSSIBLE to transfer that footage to a computer, due to the fact that it's recorded on an old fashioned analogue cassette. The simplest solution to this problem is a camcorder that records to a built in hard drive, meaning all you have to do to transfer that footage to your PC is plug in that handy dandy universal usb cable of yours. Obviously, this hard drive comes at a price. Even the most rudimentary HDD camcorders will run you $500. Can't you just feel that wallet getting lighter?

Snowboard

I have a snowboard. The problem is that it's massive, and has a a weight comparable to that of an obese walrus. It's also too long, which helps you go fast, but also makes tight cornering difficult. I got it last year, used, for less than a hundred bucks, and thought it was a pretty good deal (which it was), but I would still appreciate a board more suited to my own height and weight, rather than that of the afore mentioned walrus.

Unfortunately, you probably won't find a good, new snowboard for less than two or three hundred bones.

That's totally me.

Rock Band

This game is teh bomb. I think I've mentioned it before in this blog, but I just have to do it again. Rock Band is a 1-4 player cooperative game that allows you to form your very own "rock band" and play through all kinds of intense rock hits from the past 4 or 5 decades. It's really meant to be played with your friends though. One guy shreds on the the guitar, another lays down the beat on the drums, another plays bass, and finally, every band must have a good singer (yeah...right).

How does this work, you ask? Well, the game comes with three accessories; a model fender stratocaster, a "real" drum kit, and a genuine microphone. Because of all these fancy peripherals, the boxed set costs upwards of $160, depending on what country you live in and what store you go to. You can always buy the game on its own, but where's the fun in that?

That guy? Also me.

Other Games

Mass Effect, The Orange Box, Call of Duty 4, Metroid Prime 3: Corruption (I know, I still don't have it), Assassin's Creed, Mario, Mario, Mario, and more Mario games, Zack and Wiki (buy it), tons of Virtual Console games, and AGHGHGHHGHHHH so many more!

The snake is representative of the video game industry.

iPod Touch

I know I've mentioned this before, so I'll get to the point. This little gizmo is cool with a capital "K". I don't know what else to say. Except that that rhymes. And I'm out of time. So buh-bye.

-Funkin' out

Oh yeah, Connor and Colby wanted me to mention that they've just started their own YouTube account. Their first video is about a grouchy granny, but I wouldn't want to spoil any major plot points, so you can watch it yourself.

The Fab Five

2007-12-05T19:11:00.000-08:00

I've changed the name. "Fab Five" is more original, don'tcha think? And it's got the whole Beatles reference going on. That's just cool, there's no getting around it.

Right.

Anyway.

The Fab Five - December 2007

#5: Heroes - the season finale

This episode was awesome! For those of you who don't watch Heroes, shame on you. I know the season hasn't been exactly consistent, but hell, this finale sure made up for it. It's hard to believe the second season is already over. Damn this writer's strike! I wish they would get it together so all my favourite shows can go back into production. Okay, I'm getting off topic.

This episode had everything you could possibly hope for: excellent writing and storyline, brilliant acting, mysterious deaths, fatal explosions, time travel, apocalypse inducing viruses, attempted mind control, assholes being buried alive, floating cans of spinach, and the rebirth of a seriously bad-ass villain. In short, the episode did not disappoint.

dead sexy

#4: Coca-Cola (and other soft drinks)

I don't know what's up with me, but I suddenly have this incredible desire to drink Coke all the time. It tastes too good. I think they may have started spiking this shit with nicotine or something because, dear God, it's so GOOD. I can't find the cherry vanilla flavour anymore though; I hope it hasn't been discontinued. I nearly cried when they stopped making regular Vanilla Coke. That stuff was the bomb. My other new soda infatuation is with cream soda. Not that Fanta crap (it tastes like soapy bubble gum, ugh!), the Crush kind. It's pink, but damn if it ain't tasty.

#3: The Deep Dark Woods

This is an awesome folk band from my homeland of Saskatchewan. The lead singer and guitarist, Ryan Boldt, is a family friend of mine, and back when I was growing up on the prairies, he was almost like a big brother to me.

The Deep Dark Woods have been around for a few years now, and they have two CDs out, even if they aren't very well known. Their music is old school, but still relevant, and their lyrics are deep and really smart. You really should definitely check out some of their tunes, (my personal favourite is "Redwood Forest") which can be found here: http://www.myspace.com/deepdarkwoods or buy their CD "Hang Me Oh Hang Me". I did ;)

Ryan's on the far left

#2: Guitar Hero

In my last video we made fun of a Guitar Hero fanatic, but I wouldn't say he's entirely fictional. I really do love the game (maybe not as much as "Funkmaster14") and it's actually pretty cool. Despite what some real guitarists would have you think, there actually is quite a bit of challenge to the game (you try playing on expert difficulty), and playing the game has virtually no connection to playing an actual guitar, making the these "real" guitarists' arguments moot. Most simply, this is just a really fun music/rhythm game which just about anyone can pick up and play and have a blast with. And it has a killer soundtrack.

#1: The Christmas season

Everyone one loves the holidays. No work, good food, quality family time; it's all good (well, maybe you can strike that last one). Everyone's so happy at Christmas time. I don't know what it is, but it's weird. And I like it. Even House likes Christmas.

Oh, and how could I forget the presents. Yes, we know everyone's favourite part of Christmas is the presents. Don't even try to pretend it's not. Sure, it's baby Jesus' birthday and we're all supposed to love each other, but all you really want is that fancy new 1080p 60 inch plasma display in the window at Best Buy. Or at least I do...

Until next time --

-Funkin' out.

The Steven Summers Show (with Steven Summers)

2007-11-13T18:53:00.000-08:00

This weekend I filmed an epic new video with the help of my brilliant friends Adrian and Brook (Schnelly was there too, he just did a lot more hindering than helping). In short, it's a spoof on talk shows, and its called (you guessed it) the Steven Summers Show. I just finished editing it a few minutes ago and put it up on YouTube for all to enjoy. But enough talking about it; just watch it. Hopefully you'll you'll have as much fun watching as we did making it (ya, I know you didn't have any fun, Schnelly).

Don't miss the outtakes at the end of the show. Jeez, Fern messed up a lot (j/k man ;)
Oh, and leave a comment if you can. And RATE IT 5 STARS, DAMMIT!!!

In other news, according to the our latest poll, Chase does, in fact, like men. Now we just have to wait for him to realize it....(I kid the Chaze! Do not hurt me!)

-Funkin' out

Super Paper Mario Video

2007-11-09T00:23:00.000-08:00

This is a video of a review for the game Super Paper Mario for the Wii. Schnelly sent it to me last night and I thought it was pretty funny, so why not share it with y'all. Anyway, here it is. Enjoy.

Also, I'm thinking of changing the theme of the blog (Bioshock is SO 3 months ago). Do you have any ideas? Just leave a comment if you do, and make sure they're hardcore. I don't want any gay crap messing up the epic-ness that is my blog.

Keepin' it real, and...

-Funkin' out

Writer's Strike

2007-11-07T16:06:00.000-08:00

You've probably heard this by now, but on Monday the Writer's Guild of America (WGA) went on strike. "Big whoop," you say, "what good are writers, anyway?" Well friends, without these writers, we are utterly f%&#ed. Until their demands are met, or some kind of deal is struck, the production of scripts for nearly all television programming comes to an abrupt halt. Let's see what that means for us:

Heroes - A shortened season of 10-15 episodes.
House - Another shortened season.
Pushing Daisies - A shortened season, not to mention the threat of cancellation (due to the fact that this is the show's premier season.
The Office - Even Steve Carell is on strike. No more Office this year. Dammit Steve, you are no longer in my High Five! (j/k man, we're cool)
Lost - Season could be cut in half (as it isn't scheduled to begin until February, not much work has been done on it)
24- Probably won't air this year at all, due to the necessity of 24 episodes.

Luckily, South Park and The Simpsons remain largely unaffected by this blasphemy. And blasphemy it is.

An episode centred on Guitar Hero!? Sweet.

I don't like to take sides on this issue, as I respect the writers' demands, especially those who aren't making 6 figure salaries. However, no TV and no beer make HOMER GO CRAZY!

Obviously, I'm quite upset that my TV viewing will be cut short this year. Very upset. My only hope is that these Hollywood assholes can make a deal that satisfies everyone as soon as possible, so my weekly viewings can continue as undisturbed. DAMMIT, TV IS JUST AS IMPORTANT AS EDUCATION! GIMME MY BOOB TUBE!!!

If this lasts long enough, movies will even be affected. Pray to God it doesn't go that far.

-Funkin' out

The High Five

2007-11-02T14:56:00.000-07:00

Yes, I'm sorry. It's been over half a month since my last blog post, and I'm sure you're all very mad at me. I have no excuse. I suppose I could blame it on school, but that would just be lying. It's really due to an increase in video game activity, lots of TV, and downright laziness. For which I truly do apologize. But enough of that.

The real point of this post is to introduce a new feature I hope to implement every once in a while, called "The High Five". I kind of stole the idea from another blog on another website, but I'm sure (hopefully) the author won't mind. Basically, The High Five is a series of five objects, events, people, places, etc. that I currently find to be very cool, and thus, I will be telling you about them in moderate detail. Also look for the upcoming "Low Five". I'm sure you can guess what that is.

THE HIGH FIVE - Nov. 2007

5. The month of November:

November is essentially the best month in the world of video games. Every November, a boatload of awesome games are shipped to retail, at which point, the consumer (Me) is able to jump into their fruity goodness (I'm not sure why they're fruity). This year, November is bringing us such frantastic (that's not a typo) titles as Super Mario Galaxy, Assassin's Creed, Rock Band, Mass Effect, and Call of Duty 4 just to name a few. Yes, November is a sweet, sweet month, which we shall cherish by suckling at its generous game spewing teat.

4. The Grindhouse:

This movie came out some time last April in the theaters as a three hour long, super-awesome double-feature horror film. The first movie in the Grindhouse, directed by the one and only Quentin Tarantino (Reservoir Dogs, Pulp Fiction, Kill Bill, etc.) is aptly named "Death Proof". It entails the shenanigans of a silly (and oh so disturbed) stunt man who's one true purpose in life is to mow down poor, unsuspecting, sexy ladies in his crazy-ass, "death proof" stunt car. The second feature revolves around a rag-tag group of survivors in the aftermath of a bio-weapons experiment that went horribly, horribly wrong. It's called "Planet Terror" and is the spawn of director Robert Rodriguez (Sin City, Spy Kids). Both flicks are awesome and definitely must-see, now that they are both out on DVD.

3. Phantom Hourglass:

My apologies to all you phools who thought Nintendo couldn't pull it off, but you were wrong. Complete touch control works in a Zelda game. And it works well. The control is fluid, responsive, and incredible. You can draw the path of your boomerang, the swipe of your sword, and much more. This game was built from the ground up specifically for the Nintendo DS system, and it shows. Not once have I thought to myself during my experience (so far), "Now I wish I could've used a D-Pad here." The stylus works perfectly in almost every regard, however, I do think they could have used a button for rolling, and sometimes the stylus can get in the way of the action, but otherwise, it is nearly flawless. I can't believe its taken a developer this long to fully utilize the DS's capabilities in such an amazing and clever way. 9/10

2. Steve Carell:

This guy is hilarious. If you don't know who he is, you deserve a shotgun round to the head. Watch "The Office". It's the best comedy on TV right now, and he's a big part of what makes it so great. If you haven't seen "40 Year Old Virgin" by now, now's as good a time as any. And his new movie, "Dan in Real Life", is exceptional. Don't be fooled by its seemingly touchy-feely exterior, because even though this isn't one of his slapstick, crazy-ass comedies, it's still damn good. Both my brother and I were pleasantly surprised. 8/10

1. Drivin' mah Car:

HOLY CRUDMUFFINS! I'MMAH BE ABLE TO DRIVE ALL BY MAHSLEF IN LESS THAN TEH MONTHZORz!!1!!111!!1!!1 Sorry about that. But it's true. And I CAN'T F@#$ING WAIT! I will be free. FREE! So y'all better start sucking up to me if you wanna go places (Hint: I like candy).

That's all folks. Till next time, I'm...

-Funkin' Out

Nightmare

2007-10-14T13:47:00.000-07:00

Check out mah brand new video: Nightmare. It's less than 2 minutes long, so its not quite as epic as "Finding Yourself". Still, it's not that bad, so....enjoy :P

Be sure to leave a rating (5/5 please) and comment on YouTube ;) Oh, and Chase: "wtf..." is not an adequate response.

-Funkin' out

You don't have TIME to smoke a bol--I mean--write a blog post

2007-10-07T15:26:00.000-07:00

Ya ya, I know I haven't updated in a while. Yes, I've been busy with Halo 3, and school, and...other things. So this is just a minor update. To show everyone that I am, in fact, still alive. No i don't have anything to say at the moment, other than having four heavy academic courses in the same term is the shits. Seriously, how am I supposed to get anything done with only 2 flex blocks a week? It's blasphemous, is what it is.

On another note, I have finished Halo 3 (on heroic difficulty, of course. I'll have none of that "normal" bullshit), and plan to write a review of it. Because it pwns. And it deserves all the hype its been getting. Except for that "game fuel" stuff; that's just stupid. The Forge, however, is awesome. I just finished making a map/gametype where you have to take control of a hill that's being rained down upon by exploding fusion cores which are set to spew out of "man cannons" on either side of the map. In short, it PWNS.

I also said i have some short films that I plan on uploading at some point. I'll get around to that. Eventually. Don't rush me. I have to do a bunch of editing, and that takes a while, and I'm BUSY!

Oh yeah, and my brother is moving here (the same one I visited in Northern Saskatchewan), which will also be awesome.

So yeah, that's basically all i have to say right now. The Halo review should come within the next few weeks, and we'll see where things go from there. Have a nice October.

-Funkin out

I've got Halo 3 and YOU DON'T

2007-09-24T17:06:00.000-07:00

That's right. I have Halo 3. And you DON'T. I got it early. What are you gonna do about it? NOTHIN'! Cuz there's nothin' you CAN DO! You're just gonna have to deal with it. Well, at least I've got a nice pretty picture of all my Halo 3 swag for you to drool over. Enjoy!

Damn, that's fine.

Sorry about the red electrician's tape. I had to prop up the controller somehow. Jeez, it takes a long time to upload a high res picture. Oh well.

I guess I better get back to playing. So I'll see ya on Live. If you HAVE it, that is.

-Funkin' out

Death of the Dragon

2007-09-17T18:01:00.001-07:00

Shit. Shit. Shit. Robert Jordan (or James Oliver Rigney, Jr., if you prefer his real name), the awesome author of the Wheel of Time fantasy series, tragically passed away yesterday at 2 :45 PM. I hate to be insensitive, but DAMN! Now I'll never know the ending to this long-ass series. Well, Rand and co. will certainly live on forever in my heart, and via the transitive property, so will Mr. Jordan. Rest in peace, bud. Thanks for all the good times.

Light be with you

He did reveal the plot to his family and had started the last book, so with any luck, someone will pick up where he left off, and finish his legacy. Please! If you can hear me, O Higher Power, PLEASE END THIS SERIES FOR ME! Thank you.

-Grievin' out (does that make sense?)

Too Many Miis: Part 2

2007-09-15T09:51:00.000-07:00

Alright, children; I'm back with part dos of my lovely double feature: Too Many Miis. In this final Mii entry, we'll take a look at some of the more well known Miis, as well as some of the down-right hilarious ones. So sit back, relax, crack open a...Coke, and enjoy the show!

First up, we've got two brothers you'll certainly recognize.

It's-a-them!

Unfortunately, there aren't any hats that look anything like theirs, so they had to go hatless. How tragic. Maybe Chase can find some mushrooms for them so they'll feel better.

Next, we have everyone's favourite pop-star:

I'm bad, I'm bad, I'm really, really, bad.

Surely, if he could climb out of the screen, he'd give you all a really big hug. Or more, if you're lucky. Don't get too excited though, Mr. Jackson is a very busy....man.

Of course, I'm sure MJ would this little guy an extra special hug:

It's everyone's favourite fascist!

It's Adolf, Jr.! Not, to be confused with Li'l Hitler, who is a completely different person. Yep. Completely different.

Next up is one of our very best friends. It's Schn--I mean it's Mr. Burns!

Excellent.

Aw, look at him smile. He looks like such a happy guy. This was the only Simpsons character I could make that looked anything like the character in the show. Hey, you try finding 3 foot tall blue hair in the Mii-editor.

Of course, I had to include the hardest of the hardcore: Mr. Samuel L. Jackson!

"Enough of these mother****ing snakes, on this mother****ing plane!"

He's even got the mysterious shades, just to make him that much more cooler. Cuz he is. That much more cooler. Than you.

Here's a psychic little boy from an RPG I've never played. But he's still cool.

PK Fire!

Ya, it's Ness! Frankly, the only reason he's here is because he was easy to make. I don't really have anything interesting to say about him, other than I hope he gets his rightful place in Brawl.

You were waiting for this moment, and now it's here. The most wonderful Mii you could ever imagine:

Zee govuhnator.

It's everyone's favourite stocking-stuffer, Mini Schwartz! Schnelly just can't wait for Christmas time; he loves his Mini Schwartz.

Finally, here's what Chase'll look like in five years if he keeps playing MKDS like he does.

And this is how Schnelly will look if he doesn't start getting some sunshine:

The light; it burns!

Well, that's all folks. I hope you had a good time viewing the all the Miis I've created. Since this is the final part of Too Many Miis, you probably won't be seeing them for a while. So say buh-bye! I might do another, similar feature in the future when I have more Miis to show off, but until then...

-Funkin' Out

BioShock: Review

2007-09-08T11:30:00.000-07:00

Hello, and welcome to my first ever review to be posted on my oh so wonderful blog: Lair Of Funk. As a heads-up to you all, I'll probably start doing review of games, movies, and books more frequently as I start to get into the swing of things, but this is kind of a trial run, and we'll see how thing go from here. Also, this is NOT the "awesome" post I referred to in my last entry, as I've decided to postpone that bombshell until next week. I've also got a few other tricks up my sleeve. Hint: think new videos. Well, enough of that nonsense. Without further ado, I give you my opinion of the genetically enhanced shooter for the Xbox 360: BioShock.

In all it's glory

BioShock is not a game to be played. BioShock is a game to be experienced. This so called "shooter" from the former Irrational Games studio (now renamed to 2K Boston and 2K Australia) may look like a somewhat traditional fps at first glance, but after a few minutes of BioShock, you'll see how truly unique and incredible it is.

Taking place at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean, in an undersea utopia called "Rapture", BioShock tells the story of a brilliant vision gone horribly, horribly wrong. You are the lone survivor of a cross-Atlantic flight that just so happens to crash near a lonely lighthouse in the middle of the ocean. Why is it there? Is your finding it a mere coincidence? Upon entering the lighthouse, you find a small, submersible bathysphere which brings you down into the depths of the ocean, where you see Rapture for the first time.

Pretty, ain't it?

Even at your first look of the under-sea city, you know something is not right. Rapture was the spawn of the supposedly brilliant Andrew Ryan, a man whose vision it was for Man to be entitled to "the sweat of his brow". In Rapture, artists were not held back by the weak; scientists were unconstrained by morals and what was considered "right and wrong". These philosophies gave way to several remarkable breakthroughs, most notably, the use of "Adam" and the creation of "plasmids".

Adam is a substance used to alter your genetic code, and thereby changing your abilities as a human being. By using Adam and splicing plasmids, you could do or become just about anything. As one cosmetic surgeon so eerily put it: "What if it is now not my skill that limits me, but my imagination?"

As you might have guessed, the desire for Adam became strong. Very strong. Before long, the people of Rapture were at war. Adam was tearing the city apart. Citizens became so spliced up with plasmids and gene enhancers that they went mad, lost there families, and became increasingly aggressive and violent.

Gameplay-wise, this adds up to some interesting new developments. By splicing plasmids, you yourself can wield fire, ice, thunder, and even killer bees, right from your fingertips. Most of the plasmids work amazingly well, and the number of ways you can take down your enemies still surprises me. But of course, Adam does not grow on trees. You must take it from the bodies of "Little Sisters", young girls who have been modified to become the city's Adam collectors. They roam the halls of Rapture searching for dead bodies from which they can harvest Adam, all the while protected by the gargantuan "Big Daddies", protective, diving suit adorned behemoths. In order to get to the Little Sisters, you'll have to go through the Big Daddy. And they are tough.

Aww, how cute!

This is where the major moral choice comes into play. Once you've defeated the Big Daddy, do you "harvest", or "rescue" the Little Sister? By harvesting, you receive the maximum amount of Adam from the little girl's body, but the process will kill her. Rescuing her will give you much less Adam, but you won't harm the little girl and she will be returned to her pre-Adam state. The choices you make with these Little Sisters will actually affect the course of the game, and each choice has its pros and cons, so it really makes you think.

Moving back to gameplay, BioShock plays extremely well. It's usually a fluid experience, but it does occasionally drop in frame rate, and the physics engine seems to create the odd graphical hiccup. But the sheer amount of ways you can play this game more than makes up for its shortcomings. You can use just weapons, or you could decide to stick to plasmids. Most players will find themselves using a healthy combination of the two. The games primary adversaries, splicers, come in many forms, and have some impressive A.I. They'll run and hide when they're hurt, take cover behind pillars, jump in the water when they're on fire, and make a break for the health station when they're about to die. Throughout all this, they'll be screaming comments at you that are usually relevant to what's happening around you. And I rarely heard them repeating lines.

Zap.

Big Daddies are even more fun to deal with. They won't harm you until you've harmed them or their Little Sister, so you can move around them, setting up traps, like trip wires and proximity mines, until they run into one and get uber pissed. You can even use a plasmid to make a Big Daddy your friend; he'll follow you around the level, beating down all your enemies.

The game isn't perfect, mind you. As you progress through the levels, the splicers you face gain health and do more damage, so instead facing off against new enemies, you basically fight steroid enhanced versions of the same guys you've been killing the entire game. Near the end of the game, the amount of health they have is ridiculous. For instance, a point blank shotgun blast should kill instantly, but no, somehow these guys manage to withstand 2 or 3, making the experience lose some of its realistic feel.

The hacking mini game. Not so much fun...

Some might be put off by the strange death/spawn system as well, in which you are spawned in a large tube-like apparatus called a "Vita-Chamber" when you die. This seems kind of unnecessary, seeing as how you can save at any point, and when you are re-spawned, you have most of you life, and the enemies you were fighting do not regain theirs. This makes the whole adventure a little easier than some might like, virtually allowing you to wander around Rapture with almost no fear of death.

Moving back to the good parts (of which there are many) the atmosphere and genuine feel of this game are incredible. The eerie halls of Rapture are so immersive, you'd think you were actually in an under-sea city back in the '60s. The wide range of authentic '50s music, and scary, yet thrilling noises that you'll hear throughout the city are equally impressive. Add some engrossingly detailed graphics and art to the mix and you've got yourself quite a pretty package.

Harvest, or rescue?

When it comes down to it, BioShock is simply an amazing game worthy of any Xbox owner's hard earned cash. The variety of gameplay, extent of exploration, and beautiful artistic design make an experience so incredible that you could wander around Rapture for hours on end and still find wonderful new places to explore. The plot is one of the best I've seen in any game, movie or book, and brilliant voice-acting coupled with dozens of unique, audio diaries that tell the story of Rapture really make the experience believable. It is so believable, in fact, that I would hardly be surprised if I went down to the bottom of the real Atlantic Ocean and saw the ruined city with my own eyes.

Presentation: 10/10
One of the best stories in video game history, along with fluid navigation through a logical menu system, combined to make an overall impressive package. The audio diaries are genius!

Visuals: 9/10
While its no Gears of War, BioShock's graphical style and beautiful artistry really add to the atmosphere of the whole experience.

Audio: 9.5/10
Brilliant voice acting, period music, and eerie sound effects make an already great game even better. Certain voices and sounds randomly cut out once or twice while I was playing, leaving some confusion, however.

Gameplay: 9/10
BioShock's gaming mechanics make a atmospheric and immersive game, where two fights truly never play out quite the same way, but a sketchy death system, unrealistic enemy health and little enemy variety do leave the game feeling a little...lazy, at times.

Overall: 9.5 out of 10 (not an average)

Well, I hope you enjoyed my review. I'll see y'all next week. 'Till then--

-Funkin' Out

Renovations...and MORE unfairness

2007-09-06T20:47:00.000-07:00

Ya, ya, I know, you want a full length blog post. Well, you're just gonna have to wait a little while longer because i don't have the time right now. The wait will be worth it; I've got a good one coming. Actually, I have quite a few good ideas for upcoming posts. But more on that later.

As you can no doubt see, I've changed the image of my blog quite a bit. I hope you like deep sea blue. Mostly, this change comes with the completely harmless obsession I seem to have acquired for BioShock, an AWESOME new shooter for the Xbox 360, which I completed just yesterday. It's all done now, and that makes me sad. I WANT MORE BIOSHOCK! I've channeled all my pain into this pretty new layout for my blog though, so I hope you all enjoy ;)

School has started. I'm not too happy about that. I do NOT want to start doing homework again. Too much God damned STUDYING! I just wanna play some Bioshock...mmm.....BioShock....

Big Daddy. 'Nuff said.

Whoa, I think I kinda zoned out there. Whoopsies. Anyway, I'm pissed that school has started again. In fact, I'm still in denial about the whole thing. I refuse to wear long pants or jackets, and will continue to wear my awesome Teva sandals until I SAY SUMMER'S OVER! Well, that's enough rant for now. I'll just go eat a cookie now...or something.

-Funkin' Out

Say Buh-bye Summer!

2007-08-31T23:53:00.001-07:00

Okay, it's the last seven minutes of August, so I have to make a quick blog post to bring my score up to "4" for the month. Don't worry, I'll do another "real" post in the next few days, but this should tide you over.

I just got back from a quick trip to a little island with my darling family (neices mostly). 'Twas alright. I guess. It's kinda hard to see anything as "fun" when you have to go back to school in a few days. I did get a wicked injury though; I went flying over my handlebars while biking down a trail and landed in some gravel. It was pretty bloody. I've got the bandage to prove it:

Oh noez! Cole is in distress!

Uh oh, I only have one more minute of August, so I better post this now. Well guys, I'll see ya in September! Have a good one.

-Funkin' Out

Too Many Miis: Part 1

2007-08-22T19:29:00.000-07:00

As summer slowly draws to a close, I give my adoring fans what they've always wanted: strange cartoon like video game caricatures of themselves and random celebrities/characters. I've actually had these "Miis" for a while now, and was planning on making a blog post about them for quite some time. Well, now's as good a time as any!

So, without further ado, I present to you: zee MIIS!!!11!!1!

Why do the pants come up so high? Are they hiding something?

This is me, as you can no doubt see from the name. Alas, I couldn't quite get the Mii maker to capture my astonishing good looks. Well, it's still pretty sexy anyway. After all, he is wearing an orange shirt; how much cooler can you get?

Look! Up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! Oh, wait--nevermind, it's just Schnelly.

Did you know that "Andrew" means "manly"? NOW YOU KNOW!

Here's what Chase looks like after a long night of Mario Karting. Don't even get him started on those 114 hours of Pokemon Diamond. He might just stab you in the knee...no, I suppose he's not really the violent type, is he?

Enthusiastic, ain't he?

Speaking of violence, check out this sexy Mii of Fern. I'm sure he'll be very pleased.

He comes with a red hat, ladies

You know, you should probably show this pic to that girl you like. I'm sure she'd be very impressed. Now what was her name again? R....Raa....Rach--no, that's not it. It was Peas, wasn't it? Fern really likes Peas.

OH EMM GEEZ! RUN! HIDE! SAVE YOURSELVES! WE WILL SURELY DIE IF GODZIRRA FINDS US! PLEASE GOD! PLEASE HAVE MERCY ON OUR POOR SOULS!!! I kid! You can't look like Godzirra if you aren't green!

You can probably guess who this one is.

Last, but most certainly not least (not quite anyway), I give you Fish.

Don't it look just like him?

Ah, good old Fish. That Mii makes me laugh every time. I might have made him a bit too short tho; I'll have to fix that. Poor guy. His Xbox broke. We feel for you, buddy, we really do. Well, off to play some Halo then? No, just teasing Fish. But you really do need to get a Live subscription. How else are you gonna whore those turrets?

That's all for now folks, but be sure to tune in next week (or whenever I get around to it) for part two of this epic journey through the crazy alternate dimension of the Miis!

-Funkin' Out

Mid-Monther

2007-08-19T11:39:00.000-07:00

Ya, it's been a couple weeks since my last blog entry. I'm so very sorry. It won't happen again. Except it probably will, so don't getch'er panties in a twist. I've been...well, I can hardly say busy, can I? I've been doing pretty much nothing since I got back from my last trip, and it's been pretty boring. BOOOORING. I have been playing a lot of Oblivion. I mean a LOT. That game is @#$%ING HUGE! Seriously you could pour a hundred hours into it and still only have done half the things the game has to offer. Along with the main storyline, there are basically four more entire games shoved into the package: The Fighter's Guild, Mage's Guild, Thieve's Guild (shh...that's not supposed to exist) and the Dark Brotherhood. And you can't forget the Arena. There's another at least 3 or 4 hours.

Basically, what I'm trying to say is that this game is massive. If you ever happen to have lost your life and have hundreds of free hours and an Xbox 360 or PC handy, BUY THIS GAME. If you have a life, I advise you to STAY AWAY. Because it will consume you, digest you, spew you out its rear end, and move on to some other helpless victim.

Oblivion, however, was not the reason I started writing this post. No, this was supposed to be an update on what is currently pissing me off. So I will begin now.

The movie industry seems to have it right. Films are always released to the theatres on Friday, or sometimes Saturday. They know that that's when people have the time to go see a movie. They understand this, and it allows them to make bucket loads of money on their opening weekend.

For some strange reason, though, the videogame industry hasn't quite caught on to this concept. They seem to think that buy releasing their games in the middle of the week, people will have time to play them. This pisses me off.

No, Mr. Miyamoto, TUESDAY IS NOT A GOOD DAY FOR ME TO PLAY ZELDA. I HAVE SCHOOL AND/OR WORK ON TUESDAY. TUESDAY IS NOT GOING TO WORK. Seriously, have you ever noticed that games NEVER come out on weekends? You don't believe me? Okay, I will list off a FEW of the upcoming offenders.

-Bioshock, Tuesday, Aug. 21
-Metroid Prime 3, Monday, Aug. 27
-Halo 3, Tuesday, Sept. 25
-Batallion Wars 2, Monday, Oct. 29
-Super Mario Galaxy, Monday, Nov. 12
-Assassin's Creed, Tuesday, Nov. 13
-Super Smash Bros Brawl, Monday, Dec. 3

These are not games I specifically picked because they all come out on Monday and Tuesday. I thought of each one randomly (they all look like they're gonna be awesome) and checked a calendar to match up their release dates. I don't understand it. There must be some reason for it! Why would they all come out at the beginning of the week, just so we have to wait around until Friday or Saturday just to get in a few hours of playing time? I think they're taunting us. They know we can't do anything about it, so they release them on TUESDAY and watch us squirm for the rest of the week. The love it. They get a kick out of it. Those bastards.

-Funkin' out

Home again, and another update

2007-08-04T16:56:00.000-07:00

Well children, I'm back from my little trip. No, it wasn't that long actually. It was fun though. House boating is definitely hardcore. You should have seen the party boat that pulled up beside us on the last night. Man, they were WASTED! It was hilarious. And it's really hard to hang on to the back of a sea-doo. I think it's actually easier to hold on if your being pulled behind it on a tube. Which shouldn't be the case. Anyhoo....(that's not a real word) :(

I saw the Simpsons movie already, so....sorry if you wanted to see it. My brother wanted go and who was I to turn down a chance to see the Simpsons movie? It was good, so you should definitely check that out. Lol....Spiderpig! Priceless.

What really angers me though, are the brain-dead people in the theatre that laugh at every single little joke, even if it isn't very funny. It starts to get annoying. And they cheered when the movie started. And clapped when it finished. WHAT IS UP WITH THAT?? I don't get it. They're just stupid...it's not like the director, or actors, or anyone who made the film, for that matter, are in the room to hear the applause. Who are they applauding? The screen? The guy upstairs changing the film reels? If I ever clap after a movie in a theatre, please shoot me in the knee. Because I'll deserve it.

HALO 3 UPDATE:

Co-op functionality revealed! Yes, it will be online co-op. But it gets better. It won't be just for 2 people. Or 3. No, Halo 3 co-op is compatible with up to FOUR players! I can taste the superduper hardcore uberness right now. Now Schnelly and Fish better get their Xboxes and Live accounts cuz I'm gonna be playing some HALO ONLINE CO-OP ON LEGENDARY, BABY! AND WE'ZE GONNZA PWN THOZE BRUTE BITCHES INTO TEH GROUNDzORz!!1!!1!1 Hellz ya.

September 25th, children, September 25th.

Alright I think I'mmah gonna wrap this baby up now. Unless I can think of anything else to say. Other than I'm going to be very bored for a while, what with everyone being away on summer holidays and me being....here. I hope something interesting happens. I've already spent one day doing nothing, I don't know how much more I can take. Oh wellz. At least I've still got Resident Evil 4 to finish off. I'll see y'all 'round.

-Funkin' out

Funkin' Out

2007-07-27T14:08:00.000-07:00

Unfortunately for us all, summer is almost halfway over. But I, at least, will not be complaining for a while yet. Tomorrow, I'm going on yet another trip, this time to a rather large lake in the middle of the province, to do some good old fashion....house boating. I did it last year with some friends and it was quite a lot of fun. I can't wait to get out there again, there are definitely some good times to be had.

This is going to be a short post, cuz I don't have much more to say than that I'm leaving and won't be back for a little while. Don't expect to hear from me for about a week or so :P

I do, however, really want to see the Simpsons movie. So if some of you (people I know who read this regularly; you know who you are) still haven't seen it by the time I get back, maybe we can get together and have some happy Homer times. It's going to be such an awesome movie. It's already got a 9.0 out of 10 on the Internet Movie Database (practically unheard of) and ranks among IMDb's top 100 movies of all time. Simply put, it's going to knock your soxorz off.

Ah, the new Harry Potter book. Yes, I have it. No, I have not begun reading it. Why? Because I'm currently 300 some odd pages into a 900 page book which if put on hold now, I'll never remember what was going on in the plot. So I'm just going to have to finish that before I get around to reading The Deathly Hallows. Plus, my brother is reading my copy right now, so I couldn't read it even if I wanted to.

E3 afterthoughts: Resident Evil 5 is going to be awesome. Check out the extended E3 trailer here. LINKY! It's the first video on that page. Click on "High-res" or "Low-res" under "Watch it now". To see a ton of really cool games that were demoed at E3, go to this page, and click on any of the videos there. You can click on the days (Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday) to see approx. 20 minute demos of tons of games from every day of E3. You can even watch M-soft's press conference on Tuesday and Nintendo and Sony's on Wednesday. Pretty nifty, despite how much Gamespot pisses me off.

Alright, that's all for now, and remember, I'll see y'all in about a week or so. Till then, I'm...

-Funkin' out

E3: The (not so) Big One

2007-07-17T12:14:00.000-07:00

I'm sure most of you know (or at least have heard of) this special annual event called the Electronic Entertainment Expo (or E3 for short). Well, in case you need reminding, it's a huge convention held every year to promote electronics (mostly just videogames). Over the years, this event grew to become one of the largest conventions ever, but last year, the industry decided it was just getting too chaotic. They had to scale it down. This was because just about anyone who wanted to could get into E3, regardless of your (lack of) position within the gaming industry. In fact, over 60 000 people went to E3 in 2006. This made for long lines and desperate journalists running around the convention centre trying to see everything and do their job within 3 short days. So E3, as we know it, was completely remade.

For 2007, the expo was scaled back to less than a quarter of its original size, with only about 5000 people admitted to the show. This was somewhat controversial for the industry, gamers, and journalists alike, but I'm not going to go into that because that's not the reason I made this blog post. The point of this post is to give a little insight into the 3 major companies' presentations at E3 2007. I'll start off with mah favourite :)

NINTENDO: "Nowa, da people, they thinka we cool"

Ah, Nintendo. My long time favourite video game developer and publisher. What has become of you? Has this sudden, world-wide attention gone to your head? I have to say, the Nintendo press conference was a little disappointing. They focused so much on the new "mainstream demographic" that they practically forgot about the traditional hardcore gamer. See, there are are casual gamers (not "real" gamers that only play video games once in a while) and there are hardcore gamers ("real" gamers that are love games and are devoted to playing them regularly; THAT DOES NOT MEAN THEY ARE LOSERS DAMMIT!). Nintendo's focus with the Wii is to bring everyone together, both gamers and nongamers, but recently Nintenso seems to be alienating its loyal fan base in favour of the greater majority of the "casual" or "mainstream" crowd.

This pisses me off.

I am what you would call a hardcore gamer. I love games, they are my passion. I know that sounds lame, but some people like music, some people like art, some people like animals. I like games. They are, in their own way, a very unique art form. No other medium allows you to interact at such a level of immersion as video games do. They let you do things you would never dream of in real life, and see things you will never have the honour to truly experience. A good game can take you places you could never have imagined, but note, I said good games. These silly, mainstream, "easy to pick up and play" games are good in small doses, but Nintendo needs to realize that they cannot continue to rely on these alone.

I love Nintendo, and most of its franchises: Mario, Zelda, Metroid, etc. and THESE are the games that keep the hardcore crowd satisfied. These are REAL video games. I understand, that games such as Wii Fit are great money makers, but I sincerely hope that they will never drown out the good games, the REAL games. When I say I was disappointed by Nintendo's conference, I say so because the only major games announced were of the Wii Sports variety. I know there are some amazing games on the way, (Super Mario Galaxy, Metroid Prime 3, SSBB), but what comes after that? I hope Nintendo has something up its sleeve, because it can't afford to give up its hardcore fan base. Without that, Nintendo just isn't Nintendo.

Final note: I want to make it clear that there are some really good games coming from Nintendo this year, and one hardcore announcement was made: Mario Kart Wii will be coming in early '08, and that's going to please a lot of Kart fans, myself included. Another thing I want to mention is my hope that third party developers will start making some quality games for the Wii, so we can enjoy some games that weren't made by Nintendo. I think that would really help the system thrive and become a well rounded game console. Finally, the Nintendo DS was not given too much lovin' this E3, apart from Phantom Hourglass, so I hope to see some cool new stuff in the months to come.

MICROSOFT: "We like money"

Good ol' M$. Yup, Microsoft came to E3, and...it wasn't much more impressive than Nintendo, frankly. The majority of announcements included titles such as Scene It! (the board/DVD game, now for your Xbox!) and Viva Pinata: Party Animals (a Mario Party ripoff, without the well known characters). You can't really blame them though; most of MS's big titles have already been announced: Halo 3, Bioshock, Mass Effect, Too Human, Alan Wake, and the rest. The most exciting part of Microsoft's press conference was probably the spectacular Resident Evil 5 trailer, which really got me shaking in those hypothetical booties. Seriously, check it out. (Not an Xbox exclusive, mind you)

What else was special about Microsoft at E3? Not much really. As I said before, there were very few interesting announcements, and aside from a few neat trailers and demonstrations (Assassin's Creed) Microsoft's presentation was a little bland. Halo 3 was pretty much a no show, with only a measly single player trailer and some retarded real life promotional video. Oh, and the announcement of an ugly camo green Halo 3 Xbox 360 (big whoop). Don't get me wrong, though, Microsoft has some great stuff on the way, and I will likely be broke by the end of the holiday season due to all its great games, its just that I didn't think their E3 presentation was particularly strong.

I'm sure if I actually got to go to the show and play some of the games, I would be completely impressed, but its all stuff I've pretty much seen before, you know? No big announcements. Nothing completely mind blowing. They could've had a big Halo 3 demonstration, or Peter Molyneux (I dunno how to spell) up on stage showing off Fable 2. But they didn't. Just a lot of talk, not a lot of bang.

SONY: "We are verrry innovative."

Sony is probably my least favourite of the Big 3. I don't have a PS3 or a PSP (I sold it; not enough good games), and I've used my PS2...twice, I think. But considering all this, Sony had an all right show from my point of view. They really showed off a lot of games and made a few interesting announcements. They really showed a lot of games. Game after game after game after game. I was actually pretty impressed with their PSP line-up and like the new slimmed down version of the PSP. It's not nearly as big a change as DS phat was to DS lite, but its pretty cool nonetheless (I might actually get one, now that there's some cool games for PSP).

I liked how they used "Home" during the conference to show off some of their games. Very nice. If you haven't heard of Home, its a game-type-program being released for free on the Playstation Network that allows you to create a virtual version of yourself and plop him (or her) down into a virtual world where you can customize him and communicate with other PS3 users. You get your own apartments and houses and are able to start up real games with people you meet in "Home" right within the interface. It's a pretty cool feature, especially considering its a free download.

Unfortunately, there wasn't any information on Lair, a really cool motion sensing dragon riding game developed by the makers of the Rogue Squadron games for GameCube. This game looks super cool, and will be the reason I get a PS3, if I ever do (along with Bluray).

Keep in mind that the main reason I sound so positive about Sony is probably because I didn't expect much from them and they went beyond my expectations, whereas I expected more from Nintendo and Microsoft, and therefore wasn't quite satisfied. I am, however looking forward to some great games on all three major systems, (as well as the handhelds).

NOTABLE GAMES:

Wii Fit- This is going to be HUGE. The press is going to eat this one up and Nintendo is going to make millions from it. And there is definitely some potential in that new "Wii balance board" (snowboarding game, anyone?)

Metroid Prime 3: Corruption- AWESOME game. I can't wait to play what is supposedly going to be the best controlling first person game on any console. And the graphics and art are really nice, especially for Wii. Resident Evil 5- This trailer is HOT. Check it out.

Halo 3- Even though it was hardly mentioned, I am still totally psyched (is that right?) for this game. Say Halo to my little friend :)

Assassin's Creed- I really want to try this game out. Look it up if you don't know much about it, because it looks really cool.

GAME OF THE SHOW:

Super Mario Galaxy- This game is going to be F#@%ING SWEET!!!11!!1 Spectacular physics, awesome graphics and effects, a brilliant concept, and the first real successor to the renowned Super Mario 64. This one is going to blow you away.

WHERE WERE YOU?:

-Super Smash Bros. Brawl
-Halo 3
-Spore
-Lair

BEST MOMENT: Chewbacca walking on the stage to announce the kickass ceramic white PSP with an image of Darth Vader printed on the back. Hey, who doesn't love Chewie?

Do I look like a beer-swillin' hosehead?

2007-07-08T14:31:00.000-07:00

Check out this awesome Weird Al Yankovic Song I just found on YouTube. I can't believe I've never heard it before; it's so hardcore! Consider it part 2 of my Canada Day blog (I know it was over a week ago, but w/e, deal with it. The music has been put to a series of video clips taken from Bob and Doug Mackenzie, which makes it even better. So enjoy, ya hosers!

On another note, today is Chase's Birthday, so y'all wish him a sweet sixteen! I'm sure he's very excited about getting his Learner's :P Congratz, dumbass! XD You better invite a bunch of people over for some seriously hardcore Halo playin' (at which I will inevitably pwn your sorry asses). That'd be kickass (such a cool word).

I just got back from a weekend camping trip today, and tomorrow I'm leaving with my nieces and sister-in-law on a road trip across the country (well, almost half of it anyway) So you might not hear from me for a week or so. I'll try to get to a computer and check up on you guys though, so don't feel too neglected. I'll see you when I get back; I know you'll all be holding your breath.

I don't think I have much more to say, so I better quit before I get too incoherent. Oh noez, it's already happening. BLARGH

Catch ya l8r homeslice (that was really lame :| )

-Funkin' out

OMG its CANADA DAY!

2007-07-01T23:37:00.000-07:00

That's right folks, July 1st is Canada Day. Makes more sense than July 4th, eh? That's right, I'm talking to YOU, America. Anyway, I thought I'd make an acknowledgment of this lovely day, before it ends (which is in 20 minutes, as of this writing). So...um, yeah. It's Canada Day.

COO-ROO-COO-COO-COO-COO-COO-COOOOO!

See ya next year, ya hosers.

-Funkin' Out

Unicorns! (weeeeee!)

2007-06-27T11:54:00.000-07:00

This post has nothing to do with the infamous video, Charlie the Unicorn, as funny as that may be.

hilarious

No, this is something I've never done before in a blog entry. This is an interview. With someone FAMOUS! His name is Will Millar, and he was once a member of the famous Canadian band: The Irish Rovers. You've probably heard the name before, even if you never knew it was a band. You can check out their history, here, at Wikipedia. It's pretty interesting, if you're at all into that kinda stuff. Also, you can check out their famous song, The Unicorn, right here:

Aww, the poor, wee unicorns

Without further ado, here is my interview with Mr. Millar:

Hello Mr. Millar, thanks for taking the time to answer a few of my questions.

When did you move to Canada?

I first immigrated with my family in 1954.

Why did you decide to move away from Ireland?

Times were hard in Ireland at that time and Canada promised a better life.

What/who did you leave behind?

We left behind a small farm of 8 acres and 2 cows, as well as all my relatives, including my sister, who stayed in Ireland.

What made you choose Canada, as opposed to another country (like the United States)?

Canada at that time was anxious to populate the country with British subjects, since it was still a part of the British Empire. They offered free immigration for those who were willing to work, so my Father took the emigration boat and the family followed 6 months later after he had found a home and work. I was so excited about going that I could hardly sleep for weeks thinking about the adventure.

Now that you live here, what is your favourite part about the country?

Of course, my favorite part is the Cowichan Valley in B.C. We are blessed to live in such a beautiful and peaceful part of the world.

Is Canada anything like what you expected it to be? What surprised you most about the country?

It was everything that I had expected and more. I had watched travel movies and read library books all about this country. I kind of expected cowboys and igloos when I arrived in Halifax! The vastness of the country was the big surprise. Ireland of course is a small island that could fit into lake Ontario. So just imagine how I felt when I first took the train across the wide-open prairies of Saskatchewan.

Do you notice differences in the attitudes and behaviours of people in Canada when compared to those of people back in Ireland?

Not really, since Toronto in those days, and especially the circle of our friends, were mostly immigrants like ourselves. High school was different and much less regulated than the strict school system in Ireland. Being a tough little street kid from the North of Ireland, I got in a fight my first day of high school when some tall skinny kid called me a DP- I wasn’t sure what that was but I hit him anyway! After that we became friends.

I found out later that a DP meant displaced person (this was a kind of racial slur used in Canada after WWII, when so many arrivals came to Canada without a country). By the way, that tall skinny kid became an immigration lawyer helping people settle in Canada.

Was it difficult for you to adapt to a Canadian lifestyle?

No, since I was a young teenager and soon became a young Canadian teenager. Hair do, cars, clothes, accent and all. Young people find it easier to adapt than older people. My parents never lost their Irish ways.

Have you found Canadians to be accepting of who you are and where you came from?

Yes indeed- it helped that I became a performer with the Irish Rover group and a lot of people in Canada watched my TV show. I was lucky I guess that I was made welcome everywhere I travelled. And believe me, I travelled to every part of this incredible country.

Do you continue to practice any cultural traditions that began in Ireland?

Yes I still practice the art of a good argument so much favoured in Ireland. I still play Ireland’s music and tell silly Irish jokes. i.e How can you tell the Irishman in a car wash?? Answer: He’s the one on the motorbike!

What kinds of things/people/places did you enjoy in Ireland that are no longer available to you here?

The great thing about Canada is that you can keep your own traditions and Canada has adopted a lot of Irishness (pubs, Maritime music, etc) - I do miss the ancient history that is around every village in Ireland. Like old castles and ancient Celtic sites.

Do you ever go back to visit Ireland? Do you feel a sense of pride in your home country?

Yes I am lucky to be able to back quite often and as the old song says “Some might think it a misfortune to be christened Pat or Dan- But to me it is an honour to be called an Irishman!”

Cole, I have attached an excerpt from my book “Messing About in Boats”. In this book I wrote a bit about the experience.

This excerpt is part of the display at Canada’s great immigration museum at Pier 21 in Halifax.

Well, that's all folks. Hope you enjoyed it. (Hey at least there was a REASON for this blog post, it wasn't just a random bit on implosions). So then, until next time, I'm....

-Funkin' Out

I'm back, children!

2007-06-22T14:50:00.000-07:00

Yes, I know it's been a while since I've done a blog. I'm dreadfully sorry, but there's no need to get pissy about it (Fish...). I DO have a good excuse though. It's the end of the school year and I've had a lot of work to do, but its finally over. Well, I've got one math exam to do on monday -- AND THEN IT'S REALLY OVER!!11!!!1 And that makes me happy.

So, what do I have to talk about? Not much actually. I don't really have an interesting topic for this post, so I'm just going to improvise. You know, write down whatever words happen into my head....bewbs......lazors...NUKES!1!! See how that happened? It's just random now. I have NOTHING TO SAY!!! OH DEAR GOD THE WORLD IS SURELY ABOUT TO IMPLODE!!!!

On implosions: Don't you think implosions are more interesting than explosions? I mean, explosions are totally overused. You never see implosions on TV, just explosions. In my opinion, if the TV networks want to get some better ratings, they really ought to incorporate some implosions into their programming. It would really freshen things up. For a little while anyway.

What is an implosion, you ask? Well, it's the opposite of an explosion. Here, I'll show you *Google>image search> implosion* .....voila
Isn't that sexy? I thought so. The top picture is an explosion, and the bottom one is an implosion. This kind shit mostly happens in space and underwater, due to big changes in pressure. Pretty sweet though. I'd like to see a person implode. Now that would be hard core. Yep that's the only word for it. Except for kick-ass. It would also be kick-ass.

You know, that word is just not used enough, but its so cool, no, its kick-ass. Kick-ass is kick-ass. Okay, I don't think i'm even paying attention to what i'm writing anymore. Did I just write a paragraph on how kick-ass the word kick-ass is? Whoa....okay, moving on.

But unfortunately I have nothing to move on to, as I said before, I HAVE NOTHING TO SAY!!! Hmm...okay, I've got something to say.

NOPE!!! I TRICKED YOU! See, you though I was going to say something relevant, so you kept on reading, but then I tricked you! HA! WHATCHA GONNA DO ABOUT IT?? You can't do anything about it! BECAUSE IT'S A SCREEN!!! HAHAHAHA!!! I'm so clever. Sometimes I really do amaze myself. Okay, I'm gonna go play my guitar. I'm playing "Come Together". Yeah, you know that song. It's kickass, that's right, KICKASS. Okay, seriously though, I'm done now.

Go away.

Leave.

You fool.

No, you phool!

You're a phool!

You phail.

-Funk, away!

Renovations....and unfairness

2007-05-26T11:05:00.000-07:00

As you have probably seen already, my precious blog has undergone a few changes, most notably the epic Master Chief header at the top (courtesy of my admirable skills with Photo Studio), and a pretty new colour scheme(NO little red line, I'm CANADIAN! It's spelled colour NOT color!). The colours are subject to change until I've found ones that go best with the Chief, so don't be surprised if the colours start flashing different hues. I thought it would make it easier if I warned you beforehand. Because, you know; I'm just a nice guy.

Moving on...

I will now explain to you all why our unique school system does not work. The school basically runs on a system of agendas. Everyone has one, and we are expected to fill them out everyday and plan what we are going to do. Now, in reality, the advisors don't really care what you write in your agenda, unless you are way behind and doing really poorly. Some people hardly bother to fill them out at all, and many advisors really would find it hard to care less.

Now, in a flex block, we are required to bring our agendas for the supervising teacher to sign (proving we attended the class), but in most cases you have to actually ask for the teacher to sign your agenda, (which no one does) instead of them coming around like they are supposed to. Don't get me wrong, in some rooms, the teachers are great at signing your agenda, but usually they don't care. And frankly, neither do I.

"So," you ask, "What happens when you have to take a test, or leave the room for any other reason?" Well kids, this is where it gets tricky. See, I always thought you were to leave your agenda on the table, with it saying what you were doing. Or, you could always just tell the supervising teacher where you are going. Either one should have been fine as far as I was concerned. Apparently, I was wrong.

Yesterday after lunch, I went to a flex block in room 212. My friend was there too, but I had to leave to take a test, so I didn't have much time to talk. I got out my agenda, put it on my desk and flipped it open to the correct page where I had clearly written in the corresponding block: "test," meaning I would be taking a test in that block. I could not fathom that I had done something wrong, and now I still don't believe I did.

My friend, who was sitting beside me (but I was not there, because I was taking a test, remember), decided to take a book back to the dispensary (I think, I can't remember what book it was or where he was taking it). On the way out, he showed the teacher the book and told her where he was going. Then he left. When he got back, maybe 3 minutes later, his agenda was gone. He wasn't sure where it could have gone, maybe another student took it...but not a teacher. Usually, when a teacher takes your agenda they take all your stuff with it and bring it down to the iffice (because they think you are hall wandering or something). So it couldn't have been a teacher, after all, he told the supervising teacher what he was doing.

When I got back from the testing centre, I found that my agenda was missing too. Now we were completely confused. WHERE DID THEY GO?? Agendas are pretty important at this school, and its not easy to just get another one. We started asking some of the teachers in the room. Now it was a different block, so the supervising teacher from last block was no longer there. We managed to find a teacher that would help us, and went down to the library with her to ask the teacher who was supervising when our agendas disappeared if she knew what had happened.

"Uh...yeah, I took a bunch of agendas down to the office. You're going to have to go talk to the vice principal"....uh...why? "Because they were gone and did not say why," Yes, actually, we did.

So off to find the vice principal. Yes, he had them, but only gave them back because we had a teacher with us who knew us and knew we weren't goofing off. But first, of course, we needed a lovely lecture on what we did wrong, and why it was really our fault, not the teacher who confiscated our agendas for no reason. Even though we both had valid reasons for being out of the class AND told the teacher or wrote in our agendas about it. Well, okay, you win Mr. Vice Principal, the teenager is always wrong. I understand now. Can I have my agenda back?

Up North

2007-05-20T09:37:00.000-07:00

HI EVERYBODY! Here I am up in Northern Saskatchewan making a long overdue blog update. Well, it's gonna be a short one, cuz the bacon and eggs are almost ready :P

So, my brother (who is much older than I and lives far away from me) just got this SWEET new TV. It's friggin' awesome people! 50 inches, widescreen, 720 progressive scan resolution, and a plasma display (yeah PLASMA). It makes my TV look like poo (thats a horrible simile). It's all shiny, and black, and oh so beautiful. It makes boring television exciting again!

The thing that makes it so sweet, though, are the High Definition channels. You have to get what's called a "high definition receiver," but its SO worth it. I had never really experienced HD television before, but now that I've seen it, I can't comprehend why ANYONE would buy an HDTV and NOT get HD channels. There's no point! It's basically throwing your money away.

Don't get me started on how beautiful it makes my Xbox 360 games look. The plasma is so bright and happy! (I guess I've started) If there's a reason to have an HDTV and NOT buy an HD receiver, it's for videogames.

DVDs also look great on the display, if not quite as good as the other stuff, because DVDs are NOT in High Definition. The highest resolution they get is like....480p or something. You need Blu-Ray, or HD-DVD to really experience HD movies (before i didn't see the point of the new formats, but now I really want them *drools*).

In conclusion, PLASMA TVs ROXORS YOUR SOXOR FOOLZ!!! And if you disagree, you PHAIL! If you do have an HDTV though, do yourself a favour: get the HD channels. You'll thank me for it. It's amazing, no joke (you can see the individual hairs on David Letterman's HANDS!!!). Go. Buy HD. Now. Enough said.

-Funkin' out

Find Yourself

2007-05-10T16:24:00.000-07:00

I just finished editing my new video and put it up on Youtube yesterday. It's 10 minutes long and took hours to film, and many more to edit. Here it is. Hope you like it!

HALO LEAK!!!11!! zOMFG!1!!

2007-05-03T16:10:00.000-07:00

Yeah...okay, so....hi. Today's post is all about Halo 3. Yes, Halo 3. So if you don't like video games...go complain to your mommy pansy, da Funk is nobody's bitch (please don't ask me if that was really necessary. It was. I have my reasons).

Yes, back to Halo 3. In less than a month (about half a month actually) Bungie will be releasing the Halo 3 online beta, meaning, the thousands of stuffy nerds who managed to get their hands on an invitation will be pissing their pants with joy (that must be hard to do). This day is May 16th, 2007. Naturally, something was going to go wrong, or, in our case, right: a video of some idiots playing multiplayer has been leaked onto the internet. If you've been keeping up to date with the video game world, you probably already know this. In fact, you've probably already seen the video, as this happened about a week ago and is basically old news. But, in case you're a little slow (and let's face it, you probably are) I'm here to help you out. Yep, I'm going to post the video in all its glory on my joyous, yet formidable blog. You can view it right after you've finished reading this!

Now, most of you probably aren't reading this (hell, if there was a Halo video to be watching, neither would I) but to those of you who have managed to keep your panties from twisting, I'll tell you a few things about the video before you actually watch it. Firstly, it isn't great quality. You can blame idiots and Youtube for that. I'm sorry. Also, the person playing the game sucks MONKEY BALLS. I'm also very sorry for that. On a slightly happier note though, you will get to see some pretty cool stuff in this vid, including the new bubble shield, mongoose ATV, and spartan laser. Also, the map they are playing on is called "Last Resort" a retooled version of Halo 2's "Zanzibar" (which was an awesome map). The Zanzibar remake has some cool new effects, as well as what I like to refer to as the underground lair of the infernal hobo people. Okay, off you go, you can watch it now.

What the hell are you reading this for, I told you to watch the video. Moron.

I'm sorry for the ungodly soundtrack. I know, my ears hurt too. If you want to watch an in depth video analysis of the leak (minus the horrible music) go to this link HERE. Well....

...until next time
-Funkmaster AWAY!

So...many....VIDEOS!

2007-04-28T22:20:00.000-07:00

Hi everybody! I'm just making a little update so my poor blog doesn't start to feel neglected. This is on the subject of videos. So, if you haven't seen all of my videos (posted on Youtube here) please check them out. I currently only have 6, a number I hope to increase very soon. I'm now working on a video with Colby (My friend's little brother) similar to Super Happy Fun Time (which can be found on my Youtube channel...the same link used above moron). It is tentatively titled "On Child Abuse, and other Pressing Global Issues". I know it sounds quite philosophical, but trust me, it's not.

It's almost ready to be posted on the internet, but unfortunately, Windows Movie Maker is completely retarded. No, it doesn't have down syndrome, but it is pretty messed up. See, I couldn't put AVI files into the program because I apparently didn't have the right codec (w/e the f*** that is....). So I downloaded the codec, and things seemed to be working again when all of the sudden WMM (windows movie maker) has an error and shuts down. Okay, that's alright, I'll just try again. File, Click, Import Video, Click........ERRORZ!!! SHUT DOWN!!!! YOU PHAIL!!!11!!11! WTF?!?!?! WHY GOD? WHY? One more time. Click. Click. Click. ERROR! Would you like to send an error report? F*** no. YOU PHAIL AGAIN! Damn you.

Sorry if that was difficult to read but I had to get my point across. Sometimes, computers just don't work, and you can't figure out why, no matter how hard you try. It's times like these I envy Mac users (they come with EVERY possible program you'll ever need right out of the box) and computer engineers.

Now I'm trying to download free video editing software, which on the surface seems to be easy, but once you start downloading, you realize they're all sh*t (I don't know why I'm censoring, don't ask). As you can see, I've learned that freeware is free for a reason. Actually I've known this for quite some time now (try finding DVD ripping, decrypting, and encoding software....ugh). Yeah, I think the only way I'm ever going to get this video on the web is if I pop the files on my iPod, head over to Chase's house and use the vastly superior (I'm sorry but its true) iMovie editing software. I've used it before and it gave me hardly any trouble at all (the only issue was that we didn't know how to use firewire cables....lol). So. Yeah. Good to know.

I'm also starting a compilation Shoop Da Woop video (involving many lasers) that I will shooting, developing, editing, etc. with the help of Andrew (Schnelly!). Expect an abundance of nerdy jokes and references. It's going to be the shiznit (w/e that's supposed to mean...). I really do enjoy using parentheses (No really).

As a final little update into my incredibly interesting life (that's alliteration people), I'm going to be selling my PSP to Chris Jackson, and as a final farewell, I will be including it in my Shoop Woop video (Hint: analog nub shrapnel aplenty). Yes, this video is going to be awesome. My pride and joy. I think I've rambled on for long enough, so I'll wrap this up quickly. Um, yeah...I forgot what I was going to say. Oh well, I'll just update this post if I happen to remember. Well then, off to finish watching Goldfinger (Sean Connery looks so different....)

Tootle-oo
-The Funkmaster

Xbox 360 Elite almost here!

2007-04-26T15:31:00.000-07:00

The Xbox 360, the first next gen console out of the gates, is being given a bit of a facelift, in the form of the Xbox 360 "Elite". This new premium package comes with not only everything included in the "pro" bundle, but an Xbox 360 equipped with HDMI-out, a 120 gigabyte hard-drive (for all your storing needs), and a sexy black matte finish. Not a giant upgrade (since they're upgrading anyway, why not bother to add an HD-DVD drive?), but an upgrade nonetheless. I'm not going to ramble on for much longer because the main point of this post was to show pictures (and those are mostly for Brook). So...um....here they are.

(By the way, the following images were NOT taken by me, I am just borrowing them from IGN. I hope they don't mind :D)

Click on the the images to view larger versions.

The box and all its contents

Controller!

The hard-drive

Ooo...black headset

You can check out a quick article and some more snapshots at the following link: CLICKY!

Have fun!

-Funkmaster OUT!

What's that? Fern STILL likes that girl?

2007-04-25T21:29:00.000-07:00

What's her name again? Starts with a......"L".....no....."R"? Rrrra-.........hmmm.... see, now I've forgotten it....darn.

(I'll try not to do any stupid posts like this in the future)

The Funk's 10 rules of life

2007-04-20T23:39:00.000-07:00

Over the years, I've acquired a vast amount of knowledge (due to my superior intellect). I feel it just wouldn't be fair to the rest of the world if I didn't share this fountain of wisdom. So, without further ado, here are my top ten rules of life:

#10 - Nobody likes a fat whore (it's true)
except maybe Borat

#9 - Go where it's cheap

#8 - Quantity over quality

#7 - If you have to get up, it's not worth itmmm.....duufff

#6 - Have a Zombie plan

#5 - Be one with The Force

#4 - Don't try to fit everything in at once...

#3 - ...That's what she said!
#2 - I win (ergo, you lose)

#1 - Be a man (this would be funnier if I could find the video that goes along with it...)

There, I hope you've all learned a valuable lesson. I sure have: never make stupid ass long lists that take forever to finish.

Hello, and welcome (please leave us a coin)

2007-04-19T19:38:00.000-07:00

Hi everybody, and welcome to the grand opening of (drumroll) the LAIR OF FUNK!!!11!!!1 Yes, I've been blogging for some time now, but this is my first actual real live, blog posted on an actual website (before i was sending them to friends via email, which was, I now realize, pretty lame). It's really quite exciting. So since some people may be reading this blog for the first time, I suppose I'll review what was said in my original first blog post.

This is a web log about me, Cole, or as this website calls me: The Funkmaster (it's not lame it's cool). In this blog I will write whatever I damn well please, be it what's on my mind at the moment, what (or who) is pissing me off, or something completely random and unrelated to anything. No, this is not a diary, and there will be no touchy-feely crap in any of my entries (except sometimes in the case of sarcasm, or when proclaiming my love for Halo, Nintendo, or the Wii Girl -- I kid!). Nope, none of that, just me, and some good times. And usually some funny shit like some stupid video.

Since this is my FIRST blog entry, I won't really have a topic at all, other than the whole welcome thing. In future entries, I'll probably have headings and other neat organizational tools that make my blog more fun to read. But for now, just suck it up pansy, there's only a few more sentences to go. I'm gonna try my best to make this blog interesting and unique compared to the other billion and three (thats right, I know exactly how many there are) blogs out there. Chances are, if you're into videogames, randomness, nerdiness, or just plain old superduperness, your gonna find something neat to read in my blog (and come on people, who isn't into superduperness?) and hopefully I'll find you coming back here for years to come.

(experimentation: trying to embed a video, have fun watching!)

-Cheers